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30

In the 2 years and 1 month since my last blog post, I’ve allowed an unhealthy amount of fear to kick the absolute shit out of me. Fear of being wrong. Fear of being right. Fear of being judged. Fear of genuine happiness. The older I’m getting the more intense the fear becomes, and in 23 short days I’m going to find myself staring down the start of my 30s.

Fuck.

Back before 30, my life revolved around one theme – Control EVERYTHING, in order to fear nothing. If something fell outside of my college-ruled, 1″ margins of consistency it wasn’t something I’d even consider. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been some spectacular things that have happened in the first third of my life that took some courage to bypass the fear: I’ve gotten married, adopted fur babies, lived in 4 states, made and lost some friends, failed (a lot) and really lived some life. But looking at 30 is just different. Fear is more debilitating, and far more common, but I find myself sprinting head first towards it.

There’s something that happens in a person’s brain when they realize that a third of their life is over. I don’t feel like this qualifies as an ‘X life crisis,’ but when 30 comes around it’s like the rose colored glasses you wore for 29 years are smashed off your face by a stranger hitting you with a haymaker. You’re not sure what the hell happened, or how it escalated so quickly, but it’s definitely going to leave a mark.

The first 29 years of your life typically revolve around y.o.u. What you want to do, where you want to be, who you are. But by 30, it starts to transition to the ‘what’s’ of others. The ‘I’ turns into ‘we’. The fight and passion you once had for yourself, your own dreams and desires, suddenly shifts focus onto others. I think that’s a big reason I’m having such a difficult time with this election. I genuinely care about my choices, my freedoms, my life- but I fucking agonize over the same themes for others. Don’t worry this isn’t turning into a political post, that’ll come later. But you come to a realization that your happiness is actually contingent upon pleasing those around you in this great big messy world.

I realize for some this may sound a bit strange, but I don’t fear for my own sake, I fear for those who know fear all too well and run from it, but especially for those who don’t fear at all.

So here I go, head first, eyes open, fear laden and straight into my 30s.

-S

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