Runner’s remorse. We’ve all had it at some point in our running careers. That moment when you’re almost nauseous with regret over missing a training run, not finishing that last mile on a long run, opting out of a race because you weren’t feeling ‘prepared,’ insert situation here.
I mention this for two reasons. One, because I feel this could be a good sign for my returning running mojo. The last few training runs I missed, I didn’t feel an ounce of remorse. Two, it was made brutally apparent that I shouldn’t have skipped this morning’s run as I drove to work and my heart, stomach and body were practically heaving with regret.
I woke up feeling refreshed and ready for this morning’s run with Hayley. Unfortunately, she was recovering from a different kind of remorse, a kind that included too much dark chocolate and diet coke. We’ve all been there (more times than i’d like to admit) so I didn’t fault her at all for wanting to stay snuggling in bed. However, I took that as my ‘out’ for getting up and cranking out 4 easy miles. Bad decision. My sleep the last hour and a half post-initial alarm wake up was just terrible. I woke up feeling miserable and exhausted, like I hadn’t slept in days. As soon as I awoke the second time, Lilly decided that was her cue to attack mommy with every ounce of her being. As I dragged my scratched, bleeding and defeated self into the shower, grumbling through my morning routine, I knew had I gotten my ass up and out the door, I would have been more than fine the rest of the day, dare I say, happy. The morning only progressed deeper into discouragement as I proceeded to slam my fingers inside the front door and forget entirely to make my lunch. Awesome. To add insult to injury (literally) that pit grew and grew with each runner I saw on my commute into work.
I should have gotten up and run. It was only 4 miles and would have been a great shakeout before tomorrow’s 20 mile long run. But, the time has now come and gone and I’m unable to take back my decisions.
Similarly, my thoughts going into tomorrow’s run were less than positive all week. I know I’m going to feel extremely relieved and even accomplished when I’m through, no matter how ugly the miles may be. But the fact that I’m scheduled to do 20 miles when last week’s 15 were nearly unbearable, is hard to swallow. I need to focus on the fact that I can run and not that I have to run. There are so few people in the world that can run 1 mile at a time, let alone 20. I need to force myself to not feel regret or remorse when things don’t go how I’d imagined. Because the fact is, I got out there, and if I can honestly say I gave it my best effort, I shouldn’t find fault in that.
I’m alive. The sun is shining. My legs are strong. I’m more than ready to take on whatever comes my way. No regrets.
“Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t loose.”
– Friday Night Lights